Monday, May 17, 2010

All of this

I'm so over all of this. What people say, and the motives and thoughts on which they actually base their actions and decisions are very different things.
I'm tired of everyone telling me "it's your wedding! Do it your way!" and yet, when it comes down to it, it's not really my wedding. This wedding apparently belongs to everyone else. I have to answer question after question, I have to fend off ideas and offers for help, and point by point, the list of requirements lengthens.
Maybe I sound really bitter, or ungrateful, or something. Yes, my friends and family got me to where I am--why can't they participate? Why can't this be a "celebration for all of us together"?
Because I hate being the center of attention. I hate it when "everything is about me." And every time some little aspect of this wedding is added, suggested, required, or just there because it would "mean alot" to someone, I lose interest in the whole thing.

I've been talking constantly about meaning, worth, and value, and it seems like no one has picked up on what I actually mean. How Andrew and I have learned, through alot of pain, what matters in this world, what actions and arguments are worth it or not, what time is valued or wasted.
Here's the simple thing-- every thing has value, but not everything matters. Does that make any sense? Flowers and family and beautiful dresses and receptions and being the center of attention and letting people give me presents and hug me alot all have value. They're good things. I love my family. I love my friends.
But every day that goes by in which I have to watch Andrew suffer makes me care even less about all this nonsense. Every conversation I have with him in which, at some point, I remember, "oh yeah- he can't hear as well as he used to anymore," makes me care less. Every time I see this damn war rip him open and drag to the surface pain from twenty years ago, I care even less. Every time I look at photos of him from before he deployed, and compare them to photos we took in February, I realize that my beautiful, carefree young boyfriend has aged fifteen years and so much of the light has left his eyes-- and I DON'T CARE about anything else.
I need him to come home, and I need to be his wife, because sometimes that's the only thing keeping either of us alive. God has shown me, at every turn, that His path for us is very clear-cut, simple, and largely untouched by human ideas, and I don't want to lose sight of that.
Don't make me think about bridal showers and bachelorette parties. I'm trying not to cry every night.
Don't talk to me about programs and invitations. I'm praying that I get even a sentence-long email today.
Don't ask me when the wedding's gonna be. He's out on mission right now and he doesn't even know when he'll get to sleep again.

The fact is, anybody can ask any question they want about my supposed wedding. I don't have any answers. I've NEVER had any answers. I naively thought "once people know he's deployed to Afghanistan, they'll forgive me for not having plans yet. They'll understand." Yeah, not at all. People don't understand, they just don't take me seriously. Yeah, I don't have an engagement ring. Because he asked me the night before he had to go back to a war zone. Yeah, I don't have a date set. Because he doesn't know when he'll come home. Yeah, I don't know what my freaking "colors" are. I haven't planned a honeymoon. I haven't picked out bridesmaid's dresses. I haven't registered. There's no bridal shower, there's no bachelorette party, there's no ceremony venue, there's no reception site, there's no officiant, there's NOTHING, because HE'S NOT HERE, and apparently I'm not as "engaged" as other girls are. My engagement isn't as legitimate. We're just stupid kids, who don't really know what love is and we just got really excited about the idea of getting married--but oh, no, it's not as "official" because we don't have any plans. Apparently the things that I think matter in my wedding aren't what really matter.
"What, you can't make plans? Because... you don't know when he'll be home...? So... you're just gonna try and throw something together...? Okay, well, um, that's..."
I want nothing to do with any of this anymore. Yeah, my life and my engagement don't look like everybody else's. Who is it really hurting? Who really cares? Who is really gonna mind?

Well, apparently, everyone.


  1. Did your dinner last night not go very well? I'm sorry that people don't understand that you and Andrew have something that they probably didn't even realize existed. I'm sorry that people are caught up in stupid presuppositions about what an engagement and a wedding are 'supposed' to be. I know its frustrating, and I know you hurt. But Andrew IS coming home very soon, and you ARE going to marry him. That's enough for me. I love you.

  2. What she said. You shouldn't have to deal with that stress and frustration and hurt, and I wish for you that it could already be the end of June. Love love love.